


step out of the sun

by ragingdrumboner



Series: prompts [7]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Crying, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-24
Updated: 2017-04-24
Packaged: 2018-10-23 09:58:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10717146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ragingdrumboner/pseuds/ragingdrumboner
Summary: on the outside, always looking in, will koushi ever be more than he's always been?





	step out of the sun

**Author's Note:**

> >   
> **anonymous said:** Hey there! If you're still taking prompts, I was wondering if you could please write a Haikyuu one-shot where Suga feels insecure, because he's not good enough, or he's weak, or he's just hurt, and the rest of the team notices and does their best to cheer him up again, and let him know just how greatly they DO need him and appreciate him? I feel like Suga doesn't get enough love sometimes, even tho he gives it out so freely and is the caring mama hen. He deserves all the love! Thanks a lot! :)  
> 
> 
> HOLY WORDS IVE NEVER WRITTEN SUCH A LONG ONESHOT
> 
> sobs anyways please enjoy this cause this is a rly good prompt also yes suga does deserve all the love (i just love this boy so much??)

Koushi watched as Kageyama set another ball to Hinata, only for it to be blasted into the floor on the opposite side of the net where Nekoma stood, too caught off guard to try to receive the ball.

Cheers and congratulations briefly erupted from the team on the court that stretched out before him. Dimly, to his side, he heard Nishinoya, Ennoshita, Yamaguchi and the rest echoing their own exclamations of excitement. Koushi smiled and pushed his own little bark of encouragement to the six celebrating boys, but if felt incredibly and oddly forced. With a hint of a frown, Koushi pushed the feeling out of mind and refocused on the practice match that was restarting after the brief cheer break.

\--

Daichi was absolutely passed out next to Koushi, his head dropped rather ungracefully on his slender shoulders, not that the ashen haired setter minded too much. The captain was absolutely exhausted, so were most of the team that had played that day. 

The practice match had ended with Nekoma winning about two more sets than Karasuno, not that anyone minded too much. They were there to develop their skills, not just win. Koushi sighed a little bit, his head resting against the cool glass pane of the minibus with almost sorrowful hazel eyes reflecting briefly in each passing streetlight. There was almost a sense of _longing_ Koushi felt as the soft breathing and snores of his well worn teammates filled the peaceful silence of the bus. Koushi couldn't help but wish that he too, were exhausted like his teammates from a game well played. It seemed like a strange or even foolish desire, maybe, but it was one he craved nonetheless. 

Raising his head a bit, Koushi stole a glance to the power duo that was sleeping in the seats adjacent from he and Daichi. His gaze rested on Kageyama, the raven haired first year that had risen to take his place as the team's setter. Koushi watched as the younger boy grit his teeth harshly in his sleep, not seeming to be even close to aware of how Hinata was draped over him. Koushi wanted to feel envious and jealous of Kageyama, knew he should feel resentful even, but Lord knows that he never could. It wasn't Kageyama’s fault that his skills lacked or weren't enough to keep his place as official setter secured. Koushi sighed and glanced down at his hands, once familiar with the touch of a volleyball against his fingertips but were now almost foreign to it. He tilted his head back to the window again, but upon catching a glimpse of his face in a racing streetlight, turned away, unable to look at himself for even just a fleeting second.

\--

Koushi expected the feelings of, inadequacy, was it? To go away after Monday morning practice, but no such luck occurred. If anything, the feelings worsened as Ukai doled out compliments to Kageyama and his progress at the Nekoma match, only to be followed up by compliments from the rest of the team. Koushi watched silently with an almost aching smile on his lips. Once again, he knew, he _knew_ he should feeling some sort of anger or jealousy towards Kageyama but he just didn't have it within him. He never would, he knew that too.

Koushi looked up when he saw the team rising to their feet, quickly getting up himself to begin practice. Perhaps today...today he’d be able to do some setting or something _more_ than just tossing out balls for drills.

\--

Nope. 

Not only did he throw volleyballs all morning, but he did all afternoon too and he was _frustrated_. He was frustrated with being stuck on the outside, seeming to always be looking in on a team that was growing stronger without him. 

Once cleanup was finished that evening, Koushi was the first to change and the first to leave, only stopping for half a second to say goodbye to Daichi before going home. Koushi thought that maybe Daichi had picked up on his rather downtrodden mood, but didn't stick around long enough to find out. 

Koushi walked all the way home with his head down and buried into his scarf, trying to beat back tears of many emotions that threatened to spill. His hands were balled into tight fists in his pockets, hidden away so that the world around him couldn't see just how tense and near tears he was. 

He pushed open the door to his house, peeking inside only to see his mother asleep on the couch with a book in her lap and that his father was not yet home. Koushi sighed softly into his scarf. Thank God for that at least. He wasn't sure that he would be able to interact with his parents in such a state. Silently, he tiptoed to his room and shrugged his backpack to the floor. He didn't bother changing out of his uniform as he dropped onto the bed and pulled out his phone, seeing a text from Daichi on the screen.

**From: Dai <3**

_Hey, you alright? You left kind of fast right after practice._

Koushi cursed silently. So Daichi _had_ noticed his change in demeanor. Well, Koushi wasn't about to confirm his suspicions.

**To: Dai <3**

_yep!! im fine lol, mom just needed me home quick after practice to help with dinner is all. don't worry about me ;P_

The setter felt a little guilty lying to Daichi, but the last thing the captain needed was to be concerned about Koushi or his petty problems. Koushi knew that Daichi would happily and eagerly help him if he needed it, but that didn't mean Koushi was about to go and make him be worried. 

_Ping!_

Koushi glanced down, seeing a reply from Daichi on his screen again. Hopefully Koushi’s response was enough to throw the spiker off his trail for now at least.

**From: Dai <3**

_Well… okay, but remember if you ever need any help with anything you can come to me. I'd hate to think that you're hurting alone._

The text was enough to make Koushi cry but he contained himself and typed a reply.

**To: Dai <3**

_honestly dai! you worry waaaay too much! im fine and if anything were to ever happen id tell you. i promise <3_

Koushi tightened his grip on the phone and pressed send. Guilt still ran rampant within the boy, but he reminded himself that this was for the better. No one, not his parents, not Daichi and _especially_ not the team, could know of Koushi’s feelings of self doubt and insecurity.

\--

Koushi didn't know why he expected this slump to pass within a few days, he should have known better really. He should have known that it’d last to closer for a month. And he should of known that someone was bound to notice the ways he was changing. That someone being Daichi, who knew him better than anyone else in the world.

With every passing day that he was sidelined, he found himself withdrawing more and more into himself and his biting thoughts. Practice was becoming like mental torture now, just sitting, _watching_ as the team moved on and on and on. The feeling of watching from the outside only intensified, now feeling as though he was watching from the wrong side of a window where he was tap, tap, tapping on the glass, trying to get someone, _anyone_ to remember that he was _still there_. 

When Daichi confronted him about his sudden withdrawal from the team, Koushi pushed him away. He loved the boy with all his heart and for that reason, he couldn't burden him.

“Suga,” Daichi had said one day, stopping Koushi who had been trailing the rest of the pack that was leaving the gym. “Are you okay?”

Koushi turned to look at the captain and feigned innocence, careful not to betray the feelings that lingered underneath the surface. “Yeah, of course! Why wouldn't I be?” He asked as if it was absolutely absurd to suggest that he was anything other than _okay_.

“Well, the only reason I ask is because you’ve been rather...withdrawn? I suppose? From the rest of the team, and from me too, and I guess I’m just a little worried,” Daichi explained, loosening his tight hold on Koushi’s shoulder to a touch of comfort.

Koushi shook his head with the best little smile he could manage, “Dai,” he sighed lightheartedly, “you worry too much,” he cupped the other’s cheek, “I’m fine, I’ve just been focusing on schoolwork lately, that's all,” he lied. Daichi didn't look convinced, but couldn't come up with anything else to say that would counter Koushi’s ‘explanation.’

“If you say so, but remember, I’m -- “

“Always here if you need me, yes Dai, I _know,_ ” he huffed with a little half giggle and a roll of his eyes. “Now, let's go get changed, I’m sweaty and gross and these clothes are making it a hundred times worse.” He pulled Daichi along, though a look of uncertainty still lingered on the captain’s face.

\--

If you’re falling in a forest, and there's nobody around, do you ever really crash, or even make a sound?

That was the question Koushi asked himself as he sat curled up, alone, in the club room with tears staining his cheeks and his knees. His face was pressed into the fabric of his volleyball tracksuit, the material of the pitch black pants felt almost like it was grating against his red rimmed eyes and tear soaked cheeks. The team had long gone by this point and Koushi promised to lock up, but the crushing feeling of a breakdown claimed him before he could. He found himself rooted to the unforgiving floor of the familiar space with tears dripping, falling, rushing, down his cheeks. A stuttered sob clawed its way up his throat and bounced off the walls of the dark and empty room.

How did this happen? This wasn't supposed to happen. This was supposed to be _his year_. His year to be the official setter, his year to help lead, his year to be something _more_ than what he's always been. Koushi wished that he could feel resentment like Oikawa felt towards the threat of his youngers, but instead only felt self _hatred_ and painful inadequacy. He loved his kouhai too much and himself too little to even think any lick of ill will towards any of them. 

Koushi jerked his head when he heard the doorknob twist and click, announcing someone's arrival. He frantically searched for a place to hide but quickly found there was none. He was about to be discovered by whoever it was that had returned for whatever reason. He squinted when light assaulted his tear flooded eyes and the figure of Daichi stood in the doorframe.

“Suga? What the hell? What are you doing...wait...Suga, what’s wrong?” He asked, immediately coming over and dropping to the sullen third year’s side.

“Go away,” Koushi tried to tell him, though the command was disregarded. He kept his gaze trained to his tear drenched knees in front of him, unable to look Daichi in the eyes.

“Suga…” Daichi began, trying to garner Koushi’s attention, “Sugawara,” he tried again, a little more insistently. Still nothing. _”Koushi,”_ he tried one last time, going straight for the name that would always bring Koushi’s attention to him. “Kou, what's going on? And don't say nothing because I’m not going to believe you this time,” he sat down so he could be more on Koushi’s level.

Koushi pressed his head against the lockers. Where to even begin? He sighed and carded a hand through his blond locks.

“I’m useless,” he stated simply. 

“What?! No you're not! Why would you even think that?” The captain asked, appalled by even the mere idea that Koushi was useless. Koushi let out a listless little laugh.

“Dai, come on, don't be stupid. Yes I am, how can't you see it?” He shook his head and looked down, “I’m a burden to the team, I’m a useless third year who’s supposed to be a setter, but was too weak to hold his position.” He felt tears begin to drop down his still damp cheeks again. “I’m not...I’m not trying to blame Kageyama, before you go on and think that. I’m...I’m blaming _myself_ for not being strong enough.” He rested his chin on top of his knees, letting tears silently fall, unaccompanied by any sobs. 

Daichi was silent for a few beats before slowly beginning to speak again. “So, because Kageyama is the setter now, you think you're useless?” He asked, trying to make sense of what it was Koushi was saying.

“Yep.”

“You've lost your damn mind.”

“What?” Koushi turned to stare at him, taken aback by his bluntness. Daichi wasn't one to beat around the bush, but even so, he had never heard Daichi say something of this caliber so firmly and matter-o-factly.

“You're mind, you've lost it, you’ve had to of if you actually believe that. Koushi,” he sighed and ran a hand through his hair, “you are so far from useless, just because you don't play as much anymore doesn't mean you don't have value to this team. It wouldn't be nearly what it is today if it wasn't for you. You've helped shape this team in ways I can't even describe,” Daichi told him, looking at the still shocked boy sitting next to him.

“Oh yeah?” Koushi quirked a brow, “how? How does someone who just sits on the sidelines able to shape a team? Hm?” 

Daichi shook his head and gave a little huff of disbelieving laughter, “you seriously don't see it? Well, okay, how about this.” He paused, “have you seen the way the first years look up to you? Koushi they _love you_ and are so grateful for you. Hell, Kageyama wouldn't be the setter he is now if it weren't for you.”

“But I haven't taught him anything, nothing that he doesn't already know.” Koushi frowned, still struggling to follow Daichi’s reasoning.

“I beg to differ. Kageyama had, well still has, a hard time encouraging and connecting with his teammates when playing, but thanks to you, he's getting better. Koushi, he sees how you interact with us when you're setting and tries to follow, I’m surprised you haven't noticed it before.” Daichi still looked at him, trying to catch his distracted gaze.

Koushi sighed and looked up at Daichi finally, “I dunno, I mean, I guess I did know that but shit Daichi,” he looked down again, “do you know how hard it is and how shameful it is to be a third year who's benched because he couldn't keep his place? Even if I am still helping the team in other ways, it still hurts.” He rubbed at his eyes which had seemed to dry of tears now. “We all started with stars in our eyes all those years ago but,” he shrugged, “every sun doesn't rise and I guess mine was one of them; and what really sucks is no one tells you where you went wrong. No one tells you and all of a sudden, you're sitting at the sidelines just watching the team get stronger without you.” He shook his head and continued to perch his head atop his knees. The pair sat in silence for a few minutes, neither able to really think of anything else to say.

“Well Koushi…” Daichi began, “I can't make you see what’s going on, at least not through words, but I swear to you, you’re more appreciated than you think.” The short haired teen looked to the slight figure next to him. Koushi returned the gaze and sighed.

“Yeah…” he glanced down again, still not wholly convinced. 

Daichi reached forwards and took the setter’s chin gently in his hand. “However, there is one thing I can convince you of right now, and it's that _I_ appreciate you more than anyone else.” Daichi offered a little smile and pressed a soft kiss to Koushi’s lips. The ashen haired boy blinked but returned the kiss, albeit, a little weakly.

“Thanks Dai…” he murmured, resting his forehead against the other’s.

Daichi only nodded and pulled Koushi up, telling him that they should get home, it was late after all and there was practice in the morning.

\--

Koushi sighed as he stepped into the gym the following morning. He had barely slept and it showed. His eyes were still a little red from crying which he had done shortly after returning home and there were dark circles tattooed underneath his worn eyes. On the opposite corner of the gym, he saw Daichi murmuring to Asahi, who looked concerned about whatever it was Daichi was saying to him, at least, more concerned than usual. Koushi sighed again. It was probably about what happened last night. 

The third year continued to half stare at his classmates until Hinata’s ever bright voice interrupted him.

“Good morning Suga-san -- woaaah, you look really tired! Are you okay?” The little first year asked, tilting his head. Koushi turned and looked down at the redhead and tried to smile. He pressed a hand into Hinata’s wild mane of hair and gave it a ruffle.

“Ah, don't worry about me, Hinata-kun, just didn't sleep too well last night,” he explained. Hinata went to say something more but Kageyama came up behind him before he could.

“You're not sick, are you Sugawara-san?” The dark haired setter asked, fidgeting slightly. Koushi blinked and shook his head.

“No, no, I’m fine,” he assured.

Kageyama relaxed a little bit and gave a curt nod, “good, um, ‘cause I was wondering if you'd uh, help me with my setting. There's this technique I’m trying to get the hang of, particularly to make it easier to set for Asahi, and Coach Ukai said you're pretty good at it.” The first year seemed almost shy in asking, it was actually kind of endearing. 

Koushi was taken a little by surprise at Kageyama’s request, the last thing he expected was for him to ask Koushi for help on setting.

“I’ve um, been meaning to ask you for awhile, but you kept leaving practice so early I never got the chance,” he explained, rubbing the back of his head. Ah, shit. Koushi felt bad now. He had been letting down his kouhai, particularly the one he was supposed to be ‘mentoring.’

“Ah, sorry about that Kageyama-kun, I didn't realize, but yes, of course I’ll help you.” He told the boy, his smile turning from forced to a little more genuine now.

“Suga-san, wait!” Hinata’s voice piped up, returning Koushi’s attention to the smaller teen. In his grasp was what appeared to be an energy bar, “here! For you! My mom gives them to me so I’m more awake for school and practice, but you need it more than I do today.” He beamed, clearly happy to be able to help his senpai.

Koushi felt his heart swell as Hinata offered him the energy bar. He graciously accepted it and smiled a little wider now, “thank you Hinata-kun, I’ll eat it during our water break later, okay?” He told the first year who bobbed his head in response, clearly pleased with the answer. Koushi then turned to Kageyama and looked at him, “ready?” He asked before the pair went off to practice.

\--

Practice that morning was probably the best one he’d had in about a month, though one thing still tugged at him as he sat and listened to the end of practice meeting. It had stemmed from what Kageyama had told him that morning about trying to talk to him but being unable to pin him down to do so. So, when Coach Ukai finished speaking, Koushi raised his hand to catch the older man’s attention.

“Um, Coach Ukai, if I may, can I say something to the team?” 

Coach Ukai blinked at him but nodded, “of course,” he told him, watching as the third year stood up. Koushi suddenly felt a wave of anxiety crash over him. Oh, shit. What was he going to say?

Koushi glanced down to gather his bearings before beginning. “I just wanted to say that um, I’m really sorry for, for how withdrawn and how poorly I’ve been acting lately. I've been ah, dealing with some personal feelings of inadequacy and I started to let them affect you guys, and that's not fair to you. It uh, took me awhile to realize that what I was feeling did not align with what the truth of the situation, but I’m, I’m realizing that now, so, thank you. Thank you for putting up with me and all my nonsense and I’m sorry for any concern I may have caused you guys,” he finished, feeling a redness of embarrassment spreading across his cheeks. The group that was seated beneath him were silent for a few beats before Tsukishima finally broke the silence.

“You thought you were inadequate?” He asked as blunt as ever. Yamaguchi tried to mutter a ‘don't be rude, Tsukki!’ to him but was drowned out by Nishinoya’s loud exclamation.

“That’s absurd!” He cried, “you're not inadequate at all, Suga-san! You mean the world to us and we need you!” He told him, throwing his hands up in the air. The team murmured their assents, all nodding and giving similar sentiments.

“Yeah, I mean, without you, who’d cheer for us and make us feel better whenever we mess up during a match? I can always hear you cheering above everybody else!” Hinata exclaimed, grinning brightly from ear to ear. 

“Not to mention, you know exactly how everyone likes their tosses and can do some really great plays,” Asahi added in, his voice a little softer than Hinata’s and Nishinoya’s.

Koushi stared down at his team, dumbstruck. With each and every compliment that came to him, he felt warmer and warmer and felt each little sneaking doubt waste away. He looked to Daichi who was only smiling softly, but Koushi could tell he agreed with every little word. Koushi smiled and ran a hand through his hair abashedly.

“Ah, thank you guys so much, I really don't know what I would do without you all,” he told them honestly. The rest of the team sprang to their feet eagerly, invigorated by all the good feelings that were permeating the air.

A rough hand came and pushed itself onto Koushi’s head, playfully bending him at the waist, allowing for a laugh to leave him. It was Tanaka, Koushi realized, who was roughing him up. “Aw, well, I think it’s safe to say that we wouldn't know what to do without you either, right?” He asked, glancing up at his teammates. Each responded with their own brand of yes, some shouting the answer, some confirming a little quietly and some only nodding. Koushi smiled at his beloved team, feeling absolutely warmed by their actions.

Ukai came over to the group now and rested a firm but comfortable hand on Koushi’s shoulder. “We appreciate you and care about you, Sugawara-kun, don't you ever forget that. Any of you,” he paused, looking up at the team, “we’re a family, and I don't want anyone here to feel as if they matter less than anyone else. Alright?”

The boys all nodded eagerly, gathering into a circle and throwing their hands in. They all looked across at one another before throwing their hands up with a cheer of ‘Karasuno, fight!’ before grabbing their bags and heading back to the club room.

As they walked back, Daichi sidled up to Koushi and pressed a little kiss to his cheek. “So, what did I say?”

Koushi rolled his eyes and pushed the captain a little bit, “yeah, yeah, you don't gotta rub it in,” he grunted playfully, a little twinkle in his warm eyes. Daichi only laughed and nuzzled against Koushi’s neck, holding him around the waist tighter. The ashen haired setter couldn't help but smile at the team that was chattering away in front of him.

Maybe he wasn't the team’s official setter anymore, but that didn't matter. Nothing mattered as long as he had his team that he loved oh so much to surround and support him. Koushi was grateful. He was grateful to be able to help and shape such a great team, but more importantly, he was grateful to be apart of such a large and close knit family like the one that was Karasuno.

**Author's Note:**

> i may or may not have been blasting dear evan hansen while writing this hence evening the random lyrics woven in lolol.
> 
> anyhoooow, prompts are still open [here!](https://dietycrow.tumblr.com/post/159622658794/hey-im-taking-writing-prompts-so-feel-more-than) so feel free to send some!


End file.
